Yukari's Bender
by Lord Casskey
Summary: "We are on Eastern Yukari Time, and it is Drunk O'clock." last and longest chapter up! Thank you, everyone!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

"Mmm, sandwich." Nyamo mumbled to herself as she wandered through the parking lot.

She wasn't going to eat lunch in the parking lot today because the other teenagers threw things at her. While that was usually the reason for other days, today she had something important to do.

Namely, sit in her car.

Because she had recently bought a car. A cheap Yugo (Not that there is any other kind) which smelled slightly of dead mice and had dark red stains in the trunk. It was the first important thing she had ever really purchased, and she was looking forward to enjoying her first day of crying in the backseat so that no one could hear her.

She would have been surprised to find her old friend/stalker Yukari on top of the car with a can of gasoline, but she had ceased being surprised by anything Yukari said or did around the same time that her friend had stabbed the principal in the crotch with a pencil after being brought in for detention.

"Yo, Yukari."

"WHAT!" Yukari had never really 'got' that other people had indoor voices and outdoor voices.

"Something smells like cheap moonshine. Is it eleven O'clock already?"

Yukari wiped the smudge of white from her mouth with a bong water-stained hankerchief and picked broken glass out of her hair. "We are on Eastern Yukari Time, and it is Drunk O'Clock."

"I hope that that doesn't mean you're going to hijack the speaker system to give your speech about your personal theory about how white people are descended from cats again."

Yukari laughed, absentmindedly writing obscenities on her ether-soaked hello kitty t-shirt with lipstick.

"No, no. I've learned my lessons since then, namely that coke is a hell of a drug. Why would you ask?"

Nyamo quickly finished her sandwich, remembering her best friend's habit of stealing food to feed her collection of rabid dogs. "It's just that you seem less… together than usual. Did something happen?"

"Don la Fontaine died." Yukari choked.

"Who?" Nyamo asked, though it was muffled through her mouthful of bread and ham.

"The guy who does the background voice in American movie trailers. Now, the world shall know vengeance for its terrible sin." Yukari brought in air, after heaving up something that looked like it still had a skeleton. "If such a thing as god exists, I shall make him notice his misjudgment by so perverting his creations that he must take notice of his horrible misdeed. And it is for this honorable crusade that I shall require your motor vehicle, because 'the man' thinks that such a minor offense as driving a stolen car through the wall of a kindergarten requires the removal of a driver's permit."

"It kind of does."

"Silence, my favorite piece of ass. If I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you." Yukari began pouring gasoline onto the car. "Get in and drive, drive like Kimura that creepy guy from Spanish class is behind you."

"Why are you pouring gasoline on-"

"I said shut up, bitch! Now drive!" Yukari tied herself to both rear view windows with belts and lit a zippo lighter.

Nyamo, who was already feeling slightly drunk from the Yukari-fumes, buckled in and started the car.

Then, fire happened. And Nyamo couldn't tell if the sounds Yukari was making were screams or laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Your name's Yuri, right?" Yukari burbled through the mouthful of mouthwash that she probably thought was okay to drink.

"Nyamo."

"That's weird. I guess that I shouldn't be expected to remember your name, having just met you and everything."

"We've known each other for years. You slept in front of my house in a cardboard refridgerator box for three winters stra-"

"Are you familiar with the concept of fighting zoos?" Yukari interrupted.

"Wh-What?"

Yukari, bored with the choices of music available on the radio, simply ripped the knob out of the machine, causing it to fizz and spit tiny blue lightning strikes amongst its own wires, spewing sparks into Nyamo's chest and face. "Fighting zoos. You know, Zoos where you get to fight the animals."

"I don't think-aackpth- that that's a thing. Ow. Ow. Fuck."

"No, it is. They don't tell you if a zoo is a fighting zoo or not, so you have to try it to see."

"_What?"_

"Fortunately, all zoos are secretly Fighting Zoos."

Nyamo tried to use her hands to block the sparks from getting in her eyes, with limited success. "Ow. Ow! I somehow doubt tha-" she squinted through the fingers of her hands, though they were quickly swelling up into what looked like burnt sausages from the sparks. "is that a zoo that we're heading towards? Yukari, please don't…"

Yukari laughed, a sound that had killed many of Nyamo's pets in the years before. "Don't worry, I know how to park."

No, she didn't.

Screamin' Bob had come out of his previous life well, all things considered. While he did kill a few people, they only really caught him for one, and he was a free man now. Most of his old crewmembers were dead by now, and he was able to live a life in relative peace, taking care of the monkey cage.

He thought, in his last moments, that he had always known that punishment would come his way one day. He just didn't know that it would take such an unexpected form.

Screamin' Bob had taken to reading, in his last years. He had realized that the word "Random" actually means something very different from what people use it for.

It would be almost impossible for an actual human being to be 'random' in a mathematical sense, and what the kids of his day thought of as random, was actually closer to Entropic.

However, having a bloodstained, burning Yugo, with two screaming teenagers, one wearing an ether-soaked Hello Kitty t-shirt and men's boxers with slippers made from dead squirrels and the other covered in burning sparks, crash through the brick wall and drive into his body, shattering his bones, was a bit random, yes.

His last thoughts as Yukari stumbled out of the car, squeezed through the bars of the monkey cage and punched a chimpanzee in the face was '_I wonder if this would have been different if I hadn't screamed so much while killing people. Nah, that part was awesome.'_

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Thank you for all the lovely reviews! You validate my existence!

I could not help but notice that one of you loverly peoples noticed my presumably obvious American..in..anity. I of course celebrated by horsejacking the nearest horse that I could find, then galloping  
to my neighbor's ranch and shooting one of his bulls, then making it into a cowboy hat, as is the custom. Seriously, we have to do that every time someone notices. it's in the constitution!


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own Azumanga Daioh, and I apologize profusely to Kiyohiko Azuma for what I am about to do. I love you, Azuma-Sama!

'_no, this probably isn't a nightmare,'_ Nyamo decided. _'there's no way my mind could replicate the sound of a folding chair breaking over a Bonobo's head.' _

"Take that, you stupid… Monkey!" Yukari screamed, frothing at the mouth a little.

"it's a Bonobo, Yukari." Nyamo volunteered, crawling out from under a hogtied wildebeest. "Have you fought enough animals yet?"

Yukari tied the Bonobo's feet and hands together with a rope made from dead squirrels, then drop-kicked him into the smoking pile of downed trees on the other end of the zoo. "I'm ready when you are."

"Yeah, I think I'm ready. I hear sirens." Nyamo shivered.

There were indeed many sirens. As well as screaming and gunshots. Yukari looked puzzled. "Sirens?"

"That sound, from the police cars?"

"From the what?"

Nyamo sighed. _'this is just like that time when I had to explain that the television doesn't actually have tiny people in it. Or how the microwave doesn't have tiny men with flamethrowers in it.' _"The cars that police drive, Friend-O."

"The what?" Yukari screwed up her face in thought, and Nyamo swore that she could hear rusty gears clanking. "Those men in blue who follow me around? I should really get a restraining order against those guys or something… Are they fans?"

Nyamo massaged her temples, only to find burn marks there. "You could say that. It's time to go."

"Awesome! Let's go rob a bank!" Yukari hopped, skipped, and jumped to the wreckage that was once Nyamo's car.

"Wait, _what?"_

"Oh yeah! Banks will let you take things, as long as you have coupons!" Yukari pulled a suitcase from the backseat.

"How did you get that in there?" Nyamo asked, cringing as a burning telephone pole fell behind her, then rolling up into a ball as eight pissed-off polar bears being ridden by orangutans raced by.

Yukari restarted the car by beating it with the largest rock that she could find, re-lit the lighter fluid on the dash, and opened up the driver's door. "C'mon, Nyamster, what's taking you so long?"

"BEARS!" Nyamo screamed, one particularly rabid looking bear having apparently chosen her as his life mate. "HELP!"

"FINE! Needy whiner…" Yukari opened up the suitcase, then pulled a .big black 44 Magnum out of a holster (made of squirrels, incidentally) stapled to the inside of the case. "It's a good thing I brought my favorite bank coupon!"

"I CAN'T DISTRACT THE BEAR WITH JANGLING CAR KEYS MUCH LONGER, YUKARI! HELP!" beat. "Wait, where did you get a gun?"

"I stole it!" Yukari blasted away at the giant, slobbering, Rabid Polar Bear, hitting it squarely between its back legs.

The huge creature roared in pain from the forced testisplosion* and toppled to the ground.

The screeching orangutan jumped from its back and scampered away, but not fast enough to keep from having his manberries blasted off by Yukari's expertly drunk aiming.(When you see two targets, you aim _between_ them)

"I AM THE BEST ANYTHING EVER!" Yukari screamed, emptying the gun into the ground, causing the powerful bullets to ricochet around the zoo.

Nyamo curled up into a ball. "-"

"TIME TO GO ROB A BANK, MMBITCH!" Yukari grasped her friend by the throat(probably an accident) and tossed her into the trunk to prevent escapings.

"I will dub you…" she said to the wrecked, burning, beaten wreck of a cheap car that hummed with an unearthly, undead life beneath her rear.

"…Dub you…" she reached into her suitcase and withdrew a bottle of cheap moonshine made from gasoline, everclear and expired bread.

"…The…" she brought down the bottle by the neck onto the side of the car, smashing it and baptizing the car in alcohol.

"**YUKARIMOBILE!"**

*That is **TOO** a word, stupid Microsoft Works _Asshole Processor!_

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: _

_Thank you, lovely people, for all of the lovely reviews! Thank you, Hwikek, Elred Bluegreen, Miz-Ktakase, A Better Name, and TheZeroSystem! _

_I am deeply honored to have earned the praise of seasoned fan fiction authors such as yourselves!_

_And I'm sure that one day, those monkeys will return…_


	4. Chapter 4

"Yukari?"

"Not now babes, I'm shooting at cops. Maybe later you could blather on about video games or whatever it is that kids do these days, but I'm kind of busy now, mmkay?" Yukari was, indeed, leaning out the window to shoot at Cops. Cops who didn't agree with her that guns are secretly coupons to be redeemed at the bank.

"No, Yukari, I gotta say something."

"S'not like I'll listen to it, so go ahead."

"Yukari, I'll be frank-"

"Hi Frank!"

"No, no, I mean-"

"Wow, Frank, I'm glad you're here. Nyamy-babes is sort of fun, but she can be a bitch sometimes. I'm sure that you're fun, Frank. You wanna go knock over a liquor store?"

"No. see-"

"Man, Frank, you sound just like Nyamo! All with your assholey 'No, I don' wanna knock over a liquor store'. Next, you'll be telling me that traffic laws apply to me just like the ugly people."

"They, uh-let's get to that one another time. Hey, we should probably go somewhere, lay low for a while. If the pigs get us, it's not like there's anyone to bail us out." Nyamo said, which was true. Yukari had had friends for a brief time, mainly some bitchy chick who thought she was god or something and shared Yukari's appetites for mayhem and wanton destruction, but she hadn't stayed around. People who were too flammable didn't last long when they were around Yukari for more than ten minutes.

"Heehee, burn!" Yukari giggled, lighting the small lake of gasoline that she had poured out through the window, under the wheels of the police cars behind them.

"Yukari? We should go hide, yeah?" Nyamo nudged her violent and insane, but only friend.

"What? Oh, yeah. But that was awesome, right?"

"No. it was terrifying. It was absolutely fucking terrifying."

"Yeah, I thought that it was awesome, too." Yukari gave Nyamo what she probably thought was a comforting crotch grab.

"YI!"

"However," Yukari continued, "There's still one thing left that we have to do."

She turned onto the highway, buckling up her seatbelt. "Nyamo, you see those few dozen people ahead of us?"

"Uh, yeah…"

"I'm going to teach you something, babes. You see, Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine-car pile up on a dual carriage way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight-particularly if It's a rear-ender. Pray that you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible."

"Wait, what?" Nyamo asked. Yukari, unheeding, speeded forward into the dozens of cars before her. "AAAAAAAAH!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I apologize for the short chapter, and thank all of you lovely people for the reviews. Also, happy Halloween!

"Yukari? Uh, um, you shouldn't shoot at kids with a .22 when they come to your door."

"But they were _MONSTERS!'_


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: I do not currently own Azumanga Daioh or any characters contained therein. I also do not own the Smith and Wesson model 29 or the Colt new Army and Navy revolvers or the Makarov PM(they belong to S&W, Colt, and Makarov respectively) Vasily,(who is the intellectual property of SFTiki), any variant of the AK assault rifle, the Russian language, Tokyo Tower, Christmas, or candy.

"Nyamo?" Yukari asked calmly, her gun in one hand, seemingly unfazed by her rather noticeable surroundings.

"Wh-wh-what?" Nyamo chattered, grasping closely to the metal, the thin air biting at her exposed skin.

"Do you think that the bunny outfits were a bit much?" she said, gesturing with her .44 magnum, one finger on the trigger. She accidentally fired it, and a '72 Pinto could be heard exploding. "Oops."

"N-n-n-no, but why does mine have to be a Playboy bunny? It's cold! And you set me on fire twice already because I said that I was cold, and-NO! put that away!"

Yukari huffed, and slipped the lighter back down the throat of the pink, full-body bunny suit. "Just trying to help."

"Anyway," nyamo continued, her teeth so sore that they had gone full circle into bliss, "it's kind of scary up here on top of Tokyo tower. Can we go down?"

"Nyamy love-cheeks, I've got something important to tell you." Yukari continued, swinging out the cylinder of her S&W Model 29 for reloading.

"Can-can we go down? It's cold up here. And dangerous."

"The world, Nyamy lovey chunks, is round. If you keep going in one direction, you'll end up stampeding through whatever bogs and swamps of semen and alcohol and blood you've gotten your pretty little feet stuck into."

"Yeah, sure, can we go down now?"

"You're supposed to ask me what the point of all that was."

"What's the point of all this?" Nyamo borderline whispered through the fog of fear that her head had sunk into, as cold and sharp an effect on her psyche as plunging it into a bucket of ice and razors, so cold and sharp that every second it thrust her into a whole new world of insanely defined feeling as deep and heartfelt as the last, all thanks to every second spend with Yukari. While it may not have been enjoyable, it most certainly was living, something which she didn't, couldn't, do on her own. "Go on, tell me." She said, a little bit gentler.

"The point, my favorite piece of ass," Yukari said, "is that a series of incredibly poor judgments and bad decisions brought me here, and only worse judgments and terrible decisions will get me out."

"That sounds… Like a bad idea."

"Exactly, but it's served me well so far." Yukari behind the small of her back for her belly gun, a Colt New Army and Navy in .32-20 caliber. "Here, take this. You might need it." She threw it to Nyamo with one hand, then snapped the cylinder on her own .44 shut. "Let's blow this joint."

Suddenly, as though propelled by a rocket, a wooden swordfish, its blue paint fading and chipped, flew at impossible speeds up to the tower and wrapped itself around a metal bar as though it had a mind of its own.

Gaping as she was, Nyamo couldn't see the rope made of zombie guts that let from the swordfish to the ground, but Yukari did. "NO!" she shouted. "I thought I lost you in Paris!"

With its front end attached to the rope, a rocket-propelled motorcycle-well, rocketed up the side of the tower, a six and a half foot tall (that's 2 meters for those, well everywhere else) blonde man in a Russian military uniform complete with peaked cap astride it. The motorcycle, upon closer inspection, was custom built out of the skeleton of a far larger than usual bear.

Only the engine was still metal, and it was red, pumping like a heart. The rest was charred bone, complete with a red eyed bear skull at the front, and an AKS-74U holstered at the front, right under the handlebars.

"Why must you runs from me so, _Tovarisch_ Yukari? We are making good team!" he pleaded in a surprisingly youthful voice, gracefully disembarking from his mount and holding his ground by jamming a huge combat knife into the metal with much less force than should have been needed.

"I told you, I'm done killing things for money. I'm not cut out for that life, I'm too _real _and _edgy_ for 'jobs' like other people." Yukari said, raising her .44 magnum as a light but firm warning to stay back.

"What-What's going on? Who are you? Yukari? It's weird up here. This is dangerous. Could we…" Nyamo quickly stopped when Yukari cocked her revolver.

"is not right, you should be interrupting your friend, Tovarisch Yukari." He turned to Nyamo. "Hello, I am being Vasily. Yukari and Is used to work together, for deactivate unruly robots. We run, with blades, kill things, is good."

"Not that good." Yukari interrupted. "They wouldn't let me drop acid on the job. And it's a personal philosophy of mine to never keep a job where they won't let me drop acid once in a while."

"…is strange philosophy, but I am not complaining. Please, _tovarcisch,_ let me explain something-"

Yukari pulled the gun up, hanging from the tower only by one hand and one foot now, her sights now perfectly lined up with Vasily's head.

Vasily's reflexes, trained by the years of what his Grandfather had called "Traffic Training", quick-drew the Makarov PM that he kept tucked in his belt. "Yukari, you are putting guns down, yes?"

"No."

Safeties were flicked off, both physical and mental. There was no way that everyone was getting out of this alive.

But then, Nyamo had an idea. An idea born of too long spent with her best friend, yes, an idea born of the last few weeks spent in motels between carjackings and arson and assault. But probably the worst (or was it best?) under the circumstances.

She threw her Colt between them, then took a breath, closed her eyes, and jumped.

Even Yukari stared agape as her closest friend plummeted to the Tokyo pavement, almost faster than the eye could see.

As she fell, Nyamo found herself thinking of the last two things that she assumed that she would be thinking of, under the circumstances.

Firstly, something that she had heard on a detective radio play once. "When you jump from a building, you travel one second for every story the building is high." She didn't exactly think that was true-wouldn't she slow down or speed up while falling, depending on the distance? And how high is one individual story, anyway? She should have done more research on that. But it wasn't like she had anticipated that she might one day be falling from Tokyo Tower. Huh.

Secondly, Yukari's ass. Yeah. '_but', _she thought, _'as far as last thoughts go, this one is particularly well curved. I mean not bad. Shit._'

_**Beep.**_

"Muh…uh."

_**Beep.**_

Nyamo opened her eyes, and saw white. Then red. Then green.

_**Beep.**_

White.

_**Beep.**_

Red.

_**Beep.**_

Green.

_**Beep.**_

"_Tovarisch _Yukari, I am thinking is rude to wave Christmas candy wrapper over unconscious person's eyes. Is confusing."

_**Beep.**_

"if it wasn't okay to do, it wouldn't be so fun!"

_**Bee-**_**CRASH.**

One of the nurses rushed into the room, to find Vasily's fist stuck clear through the mechanical device that would not stop its infernal noise. "I am apologizing. Is rude to smash noisy thing." then, his eyes narrowed. "But is ruder to put noisy thing in room with sick girl. Now go. Get real doctor."

"Sir, we put that in there because we need it to monitor-"

"Is noisy! Is distracting! I am smash, and not sorry!"

"…I'm going to call security now."

"Fine. You go. Go now. Shoo." he closed the door behind her.

"Vas, can you go deal with the security? I need to talk to my favorite piece of ass alone." Yukari said, then ruffled up the candy wrappers into a ball and ate them.

He nodded, then stepped outside with a folding chair in hand, closing the door firmly behind him.

"Nyamy-cheeks?" Yukari said, looking down at her dear friend with what for her was fairly close to care.

Nyamo, her mouth full of oxygen mask, nodded.

"It's pretty lucky that you fell on that Kimura guy from Spanish class. The nurses say that his brain will never be the same, though. Eh, what does it matter. You see, girl, I've just been woken up from something, and I've gotten the job offer that I've always wanted. You see, there's this organization in Britain, where they fight vampires. I've got to get me some of that. They've even got their own vampire, it's great! Vas was offered a job, and he was kind enough to invite me along, so-" Yukari noticed Nyamo's fingers moving across the bed, slowly, slowly. "Do-do you want some paper and a pen?"

Faintly, Nyamo nodded.

Yukari pulled a few pages out of the phonebook in her suitcase, and a makeshift pencil sharpened with a Shuriken. "This will work, I guess."

Nyamo scribbled furiously, but she could only create two words. Surprisingly, in English.

_Want come_

Yukari shook her head. "Sorry, kid, you wouldn't survive. It's for your own-" she paused at saying this, as someone does before saying an oft-hated old phrase.

Nyamo scribbled three more words.

"Look," Yukari protested, "I…" then she took the wrinkled yellow pages.

_Without you nothing_

She stared, the expression on her face one of an indescribable tender surprise. "I…Alright." She grinned, and it was the same grin that Nyamo remembered from as far back as she could remember, that she remembered hating as she saw it from a tree in her backyard, that she remembered hating as she saw watching from her backseat, and that she remembered loving when she saw in the back of her closet.

""I think that you could drive a car, or something. You can do that, right?" Yukari said.

Feeling a little Yukari in her, Nyamo smiled, scribbling some more.

"_How hard could it be?"_

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you, thank you for reading up to this point, all of you who have read and reviewed!_

_This will be the last chapter, probably. I may return to this story in the future, but I'm not making any promises. _

_I originally meant for this to go for much longer, but I ran out of narrative steam. A shame, as I felt that I was finally beginning to "Get" this version of Yukari towards the end, but there will always be more to write. That's the best thing about being a writer, there's always more to write, whether you see it or not._

_I also needed to end this because I have three or four or five ideas for fan fictions in the back of my head jostling for attention, and it was simply unfair to keep the poor dears locked away for so long. _

_So I'll be introducing some new stories soon, but probably not any new Azumanga Daioh ones for a while. _

_I would like to thank and pimp out SFTiki here, for his help in motivating me to write this, and for his loan of his rather magnetic OC, Vasily. Check his profile in the coming months, he has a few more stories to write about that guy…_

_I also need to mention Hwikek, who has reviewed every one of these chapters, always with something constructive to say. Thanks, man._

_Again, thank you all for your involvement in making this the most successful story that I've written on the internet to date. I raise a drink to those that I have mentioned and those that I haven't: Happy reading and writing, everyone!_


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